英文搞笑

1、这世间，真心本就稀缺，更该俭省。

In this world, sincerity is scarce, even more frugal.

2、别和我谈恋爱，虚伪，有本事咱俩结婚。

Don’t fall in love with me. Hypocrisy. We can get married.

3、怎么把脑子的钱转到银行卡里，在线等，急！

How to transfer the money of brain to bank card, online, etc., urgent!

4、衣柜衣服千千万，只有新的最好看。

There are thousands of clothes in the wardrobe, only the new ones are the best to see.

5、自从放了暑假，我就把早餐给戒了。

Since the summer vacation, I’ve given up breakfast.

6、幸好追你的时候你重，跑不动。

Fortunately, you are heavy and can’t run when chasing you.

7、我喜欢交朋友，但不喜欢供祖宗。

I like to make friends, but I don’t like to offer sacrifices to my ancestors.

8、世上本没有路，走的人多了，便有了收费站。

There is no road in the world. With more people walking, there is a toll station.

9、姐不是客服人员，你没权要求姐答这答那。

I’m not a customer service person. You have no right to ask me to answer this and that.

10、两耳不闻窗外事，一心只读电子书。

Two ears don’t hear out of the window, read-only ebook.

11、真羡慕你，这么年轻就认识我了。

I envy you. I know you so young.

12、收银员说：没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧。

The cashier said: there’s no change. Look for two plastic bags.

13、梦想被狗吃了，然后过上了狗样的生活。

The dream was eaten by the dog, and then led a dog like life.

14、没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我。

Don’t call me if you have nothing to do, let alone if you have something to do.

15、你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。

If you have flowers, the cows won’t dare to shit in the future.

16、我就是巴黎欧莱雅，你值得拥有！

I am L’Oreal in Paris. You deserve it!

17、网上买了个剃须刀，胡子没刮完手抖麻了。

I bought a razor on the Internet, but my hands are numb after shaving.

18、如果七夕脱单，我赌50瓶旺仔。

If the Chinese Valentine’s Day is off, I’ll bet 50 bottles of Wangzai.

19、相爱没有那么容易，每个人都有自己的手机。

Love is not so easy, everyone has their own mobile phone.

20、先学会不生气，再学会气死人。

First learn not to be angry, then learn to be angry.

21、跟我混吧，有我一口饭吃就有你一个碗刷。

Just hang out with me. If you have a bite of me, you will have a bowl brush.

22、我来到你的城市，你却不请我吃顿饭。

I came to your city, but you didn’t invite me to dinner.

23、如果再见不能红着眼，能否让我抽红你的脸。

If I can’t see you again, can I draw your face red.

24、我这人从不记仇，一般有仇当场就报了。

I never remember my revenge. I usually take revenge on the spot.

25、爱情像鬼，相信的人多，但见到的人少。

Love is like a ghost. Many believe, but few see.

26、那些年错过的大雨，这些天全部还给你。

All the heavy rain missed in those years will be returned to you these days.

27、你们快走开！危险！我感觉我要萌炸了！

Go away! DANGER! I feel like I’m going to explode!

28、缴手机费时，才知道，原来我的话这么值钱。

It took me a long time to pay for my mobile phone. It turned out that my words were so valuable.

29、领卷子的时候，就买好打火机。

Buy a lighter when you take the paper.

30、蓝精灵对着阿凡达唱：长大后，我就成了你。

When I grow up, I will be you.

31、知道你过的不好，我就安心了。

I’m relieved to know that you’re not doing well.

32、长这么大，作业一直对我们不离不弃。

Long so big, homework has been on us.

33、跌倒了站起来，换个好看的姿势再倒下。

When you fall, stand up and fall again in a good posture.

34、脑袋空不要紧，关键是不要进水。

It doesn’t matter if your head is empty. The key is not to drink water.

35、头这么痛，肯定是有人在榨取我的智慧。

My head hurts so much. Someone must be squeezing my wisdom.

36、这个天气，冷得连放个屁都能用来烘手了。

It’s so cold that even a fart can be used to dry hands.

37、就算再想哭，也要微笑着说一句：你大爷的！

Even if you want to cry again, smile and say: yours!

38、把我想得太复杂，说明你也不简单。

I think too complex, that you are not simple.

39、嫌对象消息回的慢怎么办？换我，我回得快。

What should I do if I don’t get back to you? For me, I’ll be back soon.

40、没有什么困难是战胜不了我的。

There is no difficulty that can’t overcome me.

41、一年四季都在困，只有躺在床上最清醒。

Sleepy all year round, only lying in bed the most awake.

42、女生晒照的自我修养：自拍三千只取一张。

Self cultivation of girls in the sun: take one out of 3000 self portraits.

43、那些迈不过去的坎儿，还不是因为你腿短！

It’s not because of your short legs that you can’t walk past!

44、我承受了这个年纪不该有的饭量。

I’ve taken on the amount of food I shouldn’t have at this age.

45、请不要对我发誓，我怕你被劈死。

Please don’t swear to me, I’m afraid you will be killed.

46、我空有一身泡妞的本事，可惜自己是个妞。

I have the ability to be a girl, but I’m a girl.

47、对星期一各种讨厌，对星期五各种怀念。

I hate Monday and miss Friday.

48、我依稀记得，当初我学会网购是为了省钱。

I vaguely remember that I learned to buy online in order to save money.

49、神马都是浮云，所以我现在开始相信驴。

God horses are floating clouds, so now I start to believe in donkeys.

50、这天真的是太热了，想找个人冷战几天。

It’s too hot this day. I want to find someone to fight for a few days.

51、做一个吃货无忧无虑，当一个痴货无牵无挂。

To be a carefree eater, to be a fool.

52、成熟不是心变老，而是装逼的次数越来越少。

Maturity is not the aging of the heart, but the fewer and fewer times of pretending to force.

53、七夕要到了，是时候回天上跟月老谈谈心了。

Tanabata is coming. It’s time to go back to heaven and talk to Yuelao.

54、除了自讨苦吃，还有别人的苦，也在等你吃。

In addition to begging for help, there are other people’s suffering, waiting for you to eat.

55、我不喜欢你，像吃了花椒的邻居，麻了隔壁。

I don’t like you, like a neighbor who ate pepper, Ma next door.

56、不见我遗憾终身，见到我终生遗憾。

I’m sorry to see you all my life.

57、你是无可取代，没有人跟你丑的一模一样。

You as like as two peas.

58、那小子，敢不喜欢我，纯属找抽型的。

That kid, dare not like me, it’s just for drawing.

59、虽然我不会做饭，但是我点得一手好外卖呀！

Although I can’t cook, I ordered a good take out!

60、如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。

If a man doesn’t help you put on your wedding dress, you will send him a cassock.